Tears and Laughter: How to become as corrupt as Wilcox County

I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend that neighboring Clarke County is trying to become as corrupt as Wilcox County.

Good luck.

That is a high bar to set, but it is obtainable. If you will put losers at the helm of leadership, you too can sit back and watch your county’s statistics begin to sink.

And it doesn’t have to be just Clarke. Any county that wants to fail should follow our lead.

One of the first things you will want to do is find people in your community who have failed in their personal life as well as their professional life to run for office. If they haven’t been fired numerous times, filed bankruptcy, or been arrested – they are not potential candidates.

You want leaders who were maybe pushed out of the last place they lived for not paying the local businesses and contractors they owed there.

You are looking for people who have trouble doing ninth grade math.

Ideally, you are searching for people approaching retirement age and still rent. People who have on their own accomplished nothing, but are capable of entering a room with an air of arrogance.

Borderline stupid is really what you are looking for in a candidate if you want to be like Wilcox County.

I knew Wilcox County was still in a fix when I was approached last week about running for county commissioner in my district. I told the guy I appreciated the thought, but I am just not qualified to run here. Not to mention I spend too much time at Wind Creek to run.

Currently the commission openly admits that the county’s books are so out of balance they can’t be audited. Which is golden for commissioners, and county officials, and clerks in the courthouse…because it takes away any chance for accountability.

There has never been a Republican elected to office in Wilcox County. Our leadership is proudly entirely Democratic. And I’m not saying that has anything to do with Wilcox also never not having the highest unemployment rate in the state, but we are often first at everything last. We are protective of our position as the poorest county in the state. You can’t achieve that kind of status without generational poor leadership.

We are widely known for our voting irregularities. The Secretary of State is well aware of Wilcox County’s questionable election practices. We have mastered illegal absentee ballot collecting. Ballot boxes that arrive at the courthouse with broken seals are not questioned. There have been election nights when it took literally hours for ballot boxes to make the 30 to 45 minute trek across the river to Camden from Sunny South and Lower Peach Tree.

To be like Wilcox County you will need practically every school in your county to be failing. This will ensure future candidates won’t be any better at math than those already in office.

Put more emphasis on looks than substance.

We are a beautiful county. We are close-knit and care about one another. Our race relations are better than people know.

We’ve got deer and turkey and fish and freshly painted water towers. We have too much crime and plenty of corruption. I fully understand Clarke County being jealous.